Transformers: The Last Knight Review: A 150-Minute Garbage Fire

Transformers: The Last Knight Review: A 150-Minute Garbage Fire

Please let this be the end, for all of our sakes. This is not simply a fun popcorn franchise anymore; no, this is torture. The sad thing is, I went into Transformers: The Last Knight expecting to at least be entertained due to the once-again misleading marketing campaign by Hasbro and company. I wasn’t “drinking the Kool-Aid” per se; just merely hopeful that Michael Bay’s fifth attempt at creating a “film” would at least be coherent on some level. Boy, was I wrong.

Transformers: The Last Knight follows an abundance of miscellaneous characters, both new and old faces. Some of these characters like the Transformers, others don’t. There’s this staff that is the answer to saving the world, and only Mark Wahlberg can save the world because he’s the “last knight.” Why is it that he is the last knight, and no one else in the world is more qualified? The world may never know.

I couldn’t count on my fingers and toes how many subplots or plot elements that are in The Last Knight; I would need another pair of both. When a film that is so ridiculous, trying to expand its own bizarre universe while simultaneously attempting to weave the Autobots and Decepticons into world history and introducing more characters than there are in Magnolia, needless to say, it fails at every aspect.

Things get off to a semi-promising start, as we begin the film in medieval times when the Transformers are fighting alongside none other than Merlin (Stanley Tucci). Yes, Stanley Tucci plays MERLIN in the new TRANSFORMERS movie. That moment is short-lived once the dialogue starts happening, and it’s a considerable downward spiral from there.

In the present day, Cade Yeager (Wahlberg) is hiding Autobots in his garage. He spends his days finding the good robots in need and helping the machines get back to their normal selves. It’s not long before Sir Edmund Burton (Anthony Hopkins) recruits Cade and the perfectly tanned and good-looking Oxford professor Vivian Wembley (Laura Haddock). These three humans are apparently the only ones in the world who can find this magical MacGuffin staff.

If I have to summarize the Transformers franchise at this point, it would be “this is getting old.” How many times can these robots come down to earth to destroy and/or help us while hiding some mystical relic on our planet, only to be obtained by a human? It’s getting to be ridiculous. Actually, we passed ridiculous two movies ago. How does Michael Bay have actors like the Oscar-winning Anthony Hopkins read the insufferable dialogue about the history of robots, yet make it more boring than a National Geographic documentary about sand?

So many nameless characters come and go, all with little to no purpose, with the exception of the only character worth noting, played by Josh Duhamel. His subplot should have been a movie on its own—a movie that would undoubtedly be better than this monstrosity. Oh yes, you were promised Optimus Prime in this movie-a hero turned bad, killing his own kind. That’s in the movie, all right, for about 10 minutes at the very end. You would think the buildup would be worth it. It’s not.

By the obligatory third-act throwdown, we as an audience have been so nauseated and bored for hours that the final epic battle just feels more like work than enjoying an entertaining summer blockbuster. There are no stakes raised; it ends exactly as you would think, and there’s not one single surprise to be had. Transformers: The Last Knight is not a film- it’s 200 million dollars being thrown at the screen with oversaturated CGI that would make a 7-year old fall asleep.

Transformers: The Last Knight Opens on June 21st, 2017


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