“Texas Chainsaw 3D” – Review by Mike Holtz

Texas Chainsaw 3D Review
By: Mike Holtz, WeWatchedAMovie

Directed by: John Luessenhop (Takers)
Starring: Alexandra Daddario (Hall Pass), Trey Songz (Step Up 3D) and Tania Raymonde (“Lost”)

How is a crazy person wearing someone’s face as a mask and wielding a chainsaw NOT scary? I give you Texas Chainsaw 3D. It’s supposed to be the first direct sequel to the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre but I doubt the classic would claim it.

The new storyline picks up with a bunch of redneck townies burning down Leatherface’s house and shooting up his family while the town cop stands there like an idiot shaking his finger and basically saying “uh…. Don’t do that.” So one of the redneck townies finds a baby still alive in the burning home of Leatherface and he and his redneck townie wife adopt her. We meet up with the adopted baby now an adult Heather (Daddario) shacked up with Ryan (Songz) and their sexual beast of a friend Nikki (Raymonde) and to all of our surprise none of them are wearing very much clothing. We then all follow Heather and her semi-naked friends back to Texas as she un-ravels her past as a member of the Leatherface family. Yay.

The one thing I give this film credit for is the fact that they tried to make it a straight up sequel to the original and tried to add some character back story. The problem is that back story has more plot holes than the movie has death scenes. For the sake of keeping spoilers to myself I won’t go into it here, but fear not! The plot holes are so glaring in Texas Chainsaw 3D they stick out more than the 3D does. Speaking of 3D…. what a waste of extra ticket money. This film completely misses what could have been a fun splatter-fest of a good time, barely using the 3D aspect for anything worthwhile. Here’s a hint; the two biggest 3D moments are the ones in the trailer. I didn’t even feel like I had a drop of 3D blood on me and that is absolute horse shit. I paid good money for that cheap 3D blood gimmick.

In the end Texas Chainsaw 3D’s biggest flaw is its lack of anything scary. Maybe it’s just been done to death and can’t be scary anymore or maybe it’s the fact that I couldn’t give a damn less about the people Leatherface was trying to slaughter. Oh, and don’t let me forget at one point this film tries making you feel bad for the guy murdering half naked girls with a chainsaw. That happened. For those of you who have seen it you will never be able to forget the line “Do your thing cuz”, as it will be etched in your mind for an eternity of laughter and shame.

Texas Chainsaw 3D tries some new but most of them are laughable and there isn’t a single good scare in the film. At its worst Texas Chainsaw 3D could have been a campy, fun and really gory film but it didn’t even succeed on that level. C’mon man, can I not even get some fake blood thrown at my face? That shit should have been a given. 4/10

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