Disney Princesses vs. the Apocalypse

Disney Princesses vs. the Apocalypse

With Ralph: Breaks the Internet breaking box offices everywhere, now seemed a good a time as any to explore the best part of the film. No, not the visualization of the internet, but the virtual D23 convention floor and the princess green room behind the scenes. In my first screening of the film, the audience nearly fell out of their seats laughing during the princess sleepover.

It got me thinking, about American audiences and their connection to the Disney princess royal court. In 2038, the princess line will be a hundred years old. That’s a long time to be fantasizing about escaping dragons, losing glass slippers, and true love’s first kiss. But of course, in 2018 the princesses are looking to a little more than getting married. They’re winning their own hand in marriage, befriending tigers, and winning wars.

Naturally, I began to think if they can do all of that, could the Disney princesses survive the apocalypse? Using skills, experiences, their support group, and a highly complex scientific equation I calculated how long each Disney princess would survive the end times.  

  1. Snow White

Snow White willingly sleeps in an empty but clearly lived in a cabin, with seven beds. She does this immediately after a woodsman tries to carve her still-beating heart from her chest. Too kind to refuse, she ate an apple with a skull on it. This girl is sweet, but she has zero survival skills.

Snow White would die in the immediate aftermath of a cataclysmic event.

  1. Aurora ( Sleeping Beauty)

Aurora likes to twirl and sing through haunted forests alone. If a witch tried to poison you two minutes after you escaped the womb, wouldn’t you feel cautious around strangers? A single prick to the finger knocks Aurora out. There’s no conceivable apocalypse that Sleeping Beauty could hope to survive.

Would live for 12 hours, take a nap, then die.

  1. Cinderella

Cinderella is such a pushover she allowed her step-mother’s to erase her birth name from existence. Everyone just knows her as “the little cinder girl,” because she’s always perceived as being dirty. While cleaning all day and night has probably fortified Cinderella’s body and mind, but every woman in the land is going to hate the new princess. They all had a shot to be her. Resentment will be thick in the air.

Would starve after hiding out in the castle for 2.5 months.

  1. Anna (Frozen)

Sweet. Kind. Anna. The first princess of the people. She opened the gates of the palace to the people and helped give her sister the courage to lead the people. For the purposes of this study, the sister will be analyzed on their ability to survive independently of one another. Anna has a suicidal snowman and buff lumberjack boyfriend. If the world end in ice, she’ll freeze to death. If it ends in fire, she’ll drown.

Would like for four months until mother nature brings the pain.

  1. Ariel (The Little Mermaid)

Under the sea, Ariel could probably survive 3,000 different types of doomsday scenarios. But the love of her life is on land. Her daughter can swim in the sequel film. Ursala isn’t likely to help

Eric gets the gills or fins he needs to survive under the sea. Protected from most natural predators underwater, above water, Ariel will be vulnerable on two feet.

Dies running back to the ocean four and a half months in.

  1. Belle (Beauty and the Beast)

Belle is brilliant. Anything she doesn’t know she can learn later. But her old man is going to slow her down. Belle would do anything to keep him safe. If Adam were still the beast, they might have a chance. But his frail human body will be of no help when facing down radioactive woodland creatures.

Dies trying to cross bridge out of town 5 months after the nuclear blast.

  1. Rapunzel (Tangled)

Good with a frying pan and new to literally everything outside of her tower, Rapunzel is a survivor. She endured years of emotional abuse and isolation, but still had the emotional dexterity to love. However, on closer inspection, most of Rapunzel’s success is won with luck. Her friend group runs deep. Her parents aren’t going to risk losing their daughter. Not after they just got her back. But people tend to rebel when their basic needs can’t be met.

Would live for 8 months until the next festival of lights when the rebellion strikes.

  1. Tiana (Princess and the Frog)

Tiana is smart, a big dreamer, and incredibly accomplished. Though she’s survived heartache, surviving nuclear fallout would be a much more complicated task. Her restaurant, Tiana’s Place, could be a shelter during the storm, but more people means more disease, which means the likelihood of survival plummets. Frogs are very sensitive to their environments, so trying to change back wouldn’t help her in the long run. I’m sorry to say, Tiana would not be long for this world.

Tiana’s place would stand for 350 days before being whipped out by disease.

  1. Pocahontas

A non-violent diplomat, Pocahontas has a 50/50 chance of survival. Having a grandmother in tree form could be helpful. The deep root connections will warn the princess of oncoming danger. Her curiosity would almost certainly be her downfall. Pocahontas has a history of not heeding warnings and jumping into danger for the thrill of it.  

Would survive four years and be killed trying to understand the zombie hoard.

  1. Jasmine (Aladdin)

Having lived in a gilded palace her entire life, and with little political skills, no connection to her people, aside from the street-rat she married, Jasmine does not have a lot of survival tools at her disposal. The genie could help but is no longer under any obligation to do so. Raja, her beloved pet tiger, could get Jasmine through the first couple of months, maybe even years of the apocalypse. But we all know what happened to that other pet tiger. RIP Shiva.

Jasmine would live for fifteen years until Raja passes from old age.

  1. Merida (Brave)

If post-apocalyptic teen movies have taught us anything, it’s that using a bow and arrow will be essential for surviving the new world order. Merida has perfect aim and could easily take out the pions when the local government enforces military order. If she can talk her mom into turning back into a bear, they’ll be a formidable force for any creatures or humans roaming their woods.

Merida would survive for 25 years as queen of the wood.

  1. Moana

The oceans are rising. Lands below sea level are in danger of becoming flooded. That’s of little consequence when the ocean is your best friend. With the entire village of Motunui behind her, and a land creating goddess there’s nothing Moana couldn’t survive. If the ocean gets too high, Moana can ask Te Fiti to build her a mountain for her and her people.

Moana would rule her island peacefully for 50 years.

  1. Elsa (Frozen)

If the world goes by ice instead of fire, Elsa will be the queen of the Earth. A natural loner, Elsa won’t need a group to survive. She can do bad all by herself. With the ability to make shelter naturally appear, Elsa can survive pretty much anything. Her only downfall would be if an outside group decided the magical witch lady is evil.

Elsa would survive the first 100 years.   

  1. Mulan

Listen, Mulan hid her gender, snuck into the army, and won a war almost entirely by herself. She’s got sword skills, political savvy, and is a good friend.  People were willing to lay down their lives for her when the Huns came barreling down the mountain. They’ll stand up to a zombie horde, nuclear explosion, or rising waters because they trust her. Mulan’s one of the few princesses with all the unique skills required to survive the end times.

Mulan is timeless and therefore can never die.

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